igott 2009-03-15 00:15:42

Oh dear. Zimfag, you're worse than a furry. So, I found THIS copypasta:

Screams of pure terror filled the Membrane house.

Zim snickered.

Dib elbowed him with a amused smile.

'This is supposed to be tragic,' he stage whispered.

'But these humans are so funny when they bleed all over the floor!' whined Zim.

'You psychopath,' said Dib with a fond look.

As the movie played on, they saw the serial killer catch up with the blond bimbo and chop her up to pieces with his chainsaw. Zim let out a contented sigh and snuggled closer to Dib. They were sprawled on the couch, the alien almost lying on top of his human boy. He was not wearing his disguise, so Dib's breath tickled his antennas.

'Zim likes this,' muttered the Invader.

'Yeah, for once we don't have your psychotic robot to worry about,' agreed Dib, holding him closer.

It was easier to stay at Zim's house usually, but GIR was always interrupting any kind of snuggling/smooching/sexing they tried to do. This time, the little defective robot had tried to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. That had left the base in a rather disgusting and totally unsanitary condition.

It was pure luck that Gaz was gone for the weekend to a gaming tournament she had every intention to win. As for Professor Membrane, he was so taken by his last project that he'd forgotten to come back to his house for the last week. Dib didn't mind too much, it gave him quality time with his alien.

Another scream filled the house.

Dib felt Zim's claws slowly crawl under his shirt. They traced his abs and went up and up until they found a nipple. Dib held in a gasp.

'Ziiiim...' he warned.

'All this pain and suffering makes Zim horny,' answered the Invader with a smirk.

'But we just...'

A painful twitch of his nipple transformed anything he had to say in a needy whimper. Soon, Zim was kissing him hungrily, claws roaming under his shirt. Dib's hands traveled down, past the red sleeveless shirt, playing with the button of the black pants. He fumbled a bit with it, grumbling against Zim's lips, eager to get their clothing -once again- out of the way.

'SON! DAUGHTER! I AM HOME!'

Dib jumped three feet in the air. His head snapped around to find the most horrible vision standing on the threshold.

Professor Membrane was standing totally still, hand still on the door knob, looking directly at them. Looking at his son, lying on the couch, making out with an alien.

With an alien that wasn't wearing his disguise.

'DAD!' squealed Dib, trying to sit up and push Zim away. 'I can... I can explain!'

'There is nothing to explain, son,' said Professor Membrane in a strangely neutral voice.

He closed the door behind him and approached them. Dib stood up, almost defiantly, ready to face anything his father could throw his way. Zim got up too, but semi-hid behind the teenager, as if to cover the blatant alien-ness of his appearance.

Professor Membrane looked at the alien with an expression that couldn't be read under the lab coat and goggles. He seemed particularly focused on the red eyes and antennas. Dib felt Zim's claws holding the back of his shirt in a nervous grip. The teenager could feel the tension in the air. Someone was bound to snap soon. Either his dad was going to capture Zim to dissect him, or Zim was going to impale the Professor with his spider legs. He wanted neither.

'Dad, look, I...' he started, before getting interrupted.

'SON! I am PROUD of you!' bellowed his father in a happy voice.

Both alien and paranormal investigator froze. They exchanged a "WTF?" look.

'...What?' managed to ask Dib.

'I am glad you are so open-minded!' said the Professor, placing a fathering hand on Dib's shoulder. 'That's my son!'

Dib's face flushed pleasantly. Since he started the whole paranormal business, approval from his father had become almost nonexistent. To have him agree on his choice of partner, a male alien Invader, was unbelievable.

'You must love your girlfriend very much to not be repulsed by her ugliness!' bellowed the Professor with a happy tone of voice.

'WHAT?!?' shrieked Zim with outrage, though Dib wasn't quite sure is it was for the ugly or the girlfriend part.

'Oh, don't take me wrong, young lady,' said Dib's father with a smile. 'I was just talking about the sickly pigmentation of your face...'

'It's a skin condition!' answered both boys simultaneously.

'...of course it is. Wasn't that the same kind of illness the young foreign boy in your class had, son?'

Dib, feeling cornered, decided to get at least one of his secrets out in the open.

'Dad...' he said slowly. '...This IS Zim.'

Professor Membrane stared at the alien for a moment, speechless. Dib continued with great effort.

'Remember? He's the bloodthirsty alien Invader I told you about...'

He felt Zim's claws digging his back in a warning gesture, but he paid them no mind. He was tired of the secrecy, of the hiding, of the lies.

To his great surprise, Professor Membrane started laughing.

'Don't be silly, son! You've gone beyond childish name calling! Pulling pigtails was all fun when you were younger, but now there are better things to do to show affection to the woman you love! Flowers! Chocolate! Mariachis! Encyclopedia sets!'

Dib threw a desperate look at his alien lover. Zim, on the other hand, was calculating the situation with narrowed eyes.

'So, Dib-father,' he said slowly. 'What you say is that you have no problem with me dating your son?'

'Of course not, young lady!' answered the Professor. 'No matter how weird your skin tone is...'

'Skin condition!' said Zim out of habit.

'...or how inhumanly red your eyes are...'

'Itchy eyes syndrome!' replied the Invader.

'...or how silly your lack of hair looks...'

'Premature baldness!'

'...or the fact that you're missing fingers on both hands...'

'Lawnmower accident when I was three!'

'...or your low raspy voice...'

'Wisdom teeth removal gone wrong!'

'...or your lack of nose and ears...'

'I said it was part of the skin condition!'

'...or the fact that you are atrociously flat-chested...'

'Wha- HEY!'

'...the important thing is that my son loves you very much. Don't you, son?'

He looked expectantly at Dib, who was getting lost with the situation. But at least, he knew the answer to that last question.

'Of course Dad, I love Zim with all my heart,' he said with a sidelong smile to his Invader.

Zim flashed him a zipper-like smile, then turned back to the Professor.

'Zim has ickly feelings of luuurv for your worm-baby too,' he said with a smirk. 'He belongs to Zim until Zim gets tired of him.'

'That's the spirit!' said the Professor while opening his arms wide. 'Welcome to the family, young lady!'

And Dib saw the craziest thing he ever saw in his entire life. Forget Big-feet using the belt-sander, Ninja-ghosts invading his toilet, the Massive being crashed into asteroids or the room with a moose (shudder). His Dad hugging Zim was officially the weirdest thing ever happening in his paranormal life.

When Zim was released, he skipped back to Dib and casually passed an arm around his waist, his antennas wiggling with happiness.

'...what just happened?' whispered Dib next to one antenna.

'Your parental unit likes me!' muttered Zim with a giddy smile. 'Of course he does, Zim is very lovable!'

'...but...but... he thinks you're a human girl!'

'Let him splash in his delusions,' shrugged the Invader. 'If his goggles are too opaque for him to see what's in front of his eyes, the better for us!'

Dib had to concede he was right. Maybe his dad just wasn't ready to accept that his only son was gay as a daffodil and a kinky xenophile on top of that.

'Thanks, Dad,' said Dib with a smile.

Professor Membrane approached and placed a fathering hand on both their shoulders.

'No need to thank me, Son!' he said, smiling under his lab coat. 'I'm happy to see you happy!'

Dib felt himself flush with joy. His father had a weird way to show it, but he loved his kids after all.

'Now!' said the Professor with an imperative tone. 'I need to talk to you both seriously!'

'About what?' asked Dib with curiosity.

igott 2009-03-15 00:17:29

'Marriage! Children! And most important of all: protection! Do you use condoms, young man?'

Dib felt his face drain of all color. WHAT?!?

'What are condoms?' asked Zim with a raised antenna.

Dib had never felt a more urgent need to crawl in a hole and die.
Gaz entered the house, her GameSlave-shaped golden trophy held securely in her hand. Sweet victory tasted better with pizza and soda.

She entered the kitchen and stared.

Her father, Dib and Zim -without his disguise- were sitting around the table, eating dinner, holding what seemed to be a pleasant conversation about the pros and cons of using laser-shooting weasels in the protection of government agencies. Dib and Zim were holding hands in plain view and she could swear that they were playing footsie under the table.

Her left eye twitched.

'Daughter!' said her father when he spotted her. 'Come and greet your sister-in-law!'

Gaz walked to the table and sat down in front of the happy couple. She narrowed an eye at the alien.

'We've met,' she grunted. 'What are you doing here, Zim?'

'It's Zimmette,' said the Invader trough a forced smile. 'Your lovely parental-unit invited me for dinner, isn't he just sweet?'

Gaz could tell some words took him a lot of effort to say. She spared a look at her brother, who looked a little bit green. She raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

'...Dad gave us the talk,' mumbled the teenager.

'The talk?' she repeated.

'The Talk. With a capital T. In many details.'

Gaz couldn't help it. She snorted.

'Daughter!' said Professor Membrane. 'I just had a idea of pure GENIUS! Why don't you bring Zimmette to the mall? She could use your advice on clothes and make-up and lady stuff!'

Gaz twitched and shot a glare at Zim. The alien was looking even greener than ever.

Dib chocked on his food.

Maybe it would have been easier to keep hiding and lying. It was easier on what was left of his sanity, anyways.